Ketika Mulutku Rancu ....

It is better to have what U need rather than having what U want. Is it also better to say what U need to say rather than what U want to say? Should I just keep it all inside again, let it evaporate, let it gone with the wind and just pretend that nothing is happen?

Words are one of the world wonder. It has a magical power either to heal or to hurt someone's hart. If it heal so good, people are willing to give their lives for U. If it hurts so bad, people are willing to take Ur lives from U. Its a two side of coin.

I heard in a radio few days ago, two announcers was telling a story about a Kid an a Wise father. One day, the kid has a dream. In his dream, he saw two lions fighting again Each other. The first Lion look so clean. The fur was gold shiny, The claws look so sharp coz it relfecting a light from the tip of its claw. Its roar sounds so loud, yet also soothing. While the other Lion its the opposite of the first lion. It looks so dirty, the fur was ripped and not shiny at all. Smell so bad and it roars so loud, it makes U scared. Both Lions are fighting against each other and they just wont stop. The kid ask his father about his dream, hoping the father could give an answer of his confusion. After he explained it to his Wise father, his father was thinking for a while until he finally says " My dear Son, the both Lions represent both of Human side, our side, Thee Good side and The bad Side. So, they always try to conquer each other. Its a battle of eternity". The son seems to understand. Yet, he ask another question to his Father. "So .. who will win the Fight Daddy? The Good Side or The Bad Side?". The Wise father took another moment to think. This time, he took a longer time than before. After a few while, the wise father gives his son the answer with a smile adorn his face "It depends on which do U feed most?"

If Im telling what I want to say, is that mean Im feeding the Bad Lion? and If Im telling what I need to say, is that mean Im feeding the Good Lion? Bad how about the freedom of speech?

I watch Oprah Winfrey Show several days ago. In her show, she has a guest.A women who wrote a book (I forgot the title of the book) and who turned out to be an inspirational person coz she can makes people turn their life to a better way. One of the tips from her is just to write down the happy things in Ur life and to put away the bad things. That's make sense. She also said and asked everyone in the studio and at home to be great full for everything, coz that will makes Ur life feel so much better. I agree.

But,everyone can not and shall not forget about the past. Past - for me - is a path that wee need to see and have a look, just to make us aware of our journey.

Its an effort for me to have a turning point. I am willing and trying to write down only happy things and happy plan in ma life. Since after I read ma Blog, Most of ma articles are sad sad story. Is ma life that sad? Or am I just to melancholic? I mean, I want ma Blog to be inspiring too.

As I am now listening SUGABABES song - RUN FOR COVER, it reminds me how I always consider ma Blog as a place for me to run, to search for a cover. For I finally have something to channeling ma sadness. I am finally able to say what I want to say without most people knowing who I am. If I cry in a dark corner of ma room, it inspired me to write. If I feel like wanna scream, it inspired me to write. When somebody or some people break me and get me down, I tend to write. Its ma place, its ma runaway. Its ma sanctuary, So shall I change it?

Mulut ini hanya bisa tergugu ketika hati pun menjadi gagu. Perubahan memang absolut, namun apakah salah bila memilih tidak berbeda? Ketika sayapku lagi lagi dipatahkan, apakah masih bisa aku terbang?

Mulut Rancu, atas sikap hati yang terlalu Lugu
Bagai robot dengan antena kendali di atas kepala, aku berjalan bukan atas keinginanku
Apa itu kebebasan? Apakah merdeka punya arti atas diri yang memilih untuk bersembunyi?

Cahayaku sudah redup, jiwaku mulai terkatup. Tertutup ragu yang mulai membuat nyaman seperti dendangan lagu.

Bila ... Kapankah Bila menjadi pasti untukku?

Mohon maaf Bila, saat ini aku mencoba untuk menyingkirkanmu. Aku ingin menggantimu dengan pasti.

Ragu ... tolong enyah dariku. Pintu keluarnya sudah kau tau ... silahkan, sebelum aku melemparmu.

Hanya satu pertanyaanku bila semua akhirnya terjadi. Singa mana yang sedang kuberi makan?

Tuhan ... Ijinkan Aku Bertanya ...

Tuhan ... Bila dalam kesulitan Hamba Mu menangis dan ragu kepada Mu karena keinginan Ku yang tidak juga tercapai, salahkah Aku ...?

Tuhan ... Bila Aku ingin meraih Mimpi namun tidak juga tergapai, lalu aku marah dan kesal kepada Mu hingga aku enggan menghadap Mu, salahkah Aku ...?

Tuhan ... Bila aku sadar pilihan Ku salah, namun hatiku tak kuasa untuk berpaling, paling tidak belum untuk saat ini dan membuat Aku malu untuk menyapa Mu ... salahkah Aku ...?

Tuhan ... Bila harapan yang aku punya tetap berupa harapan belaka lalu aku kecewa kepada Mu dan berprasangka buruk tentang Mu, salahkah Aku ...?

Tuhan ... Bila aku berpaling dan bergantung pada Hamba Mu yang lain sebagai penenang hati dan penyejuk jiwa, salahkah Aku ...?

Tuhan ... bila saja ada jawaban dari semua kebingungan dan kebingungan Ku yang selalu saja membuat Ku gamang, bimbang dan tidak tenang, dimana harus ku cari ...?

Tuhan ... Bila memang ada Do'a yang dapat membuat semua keinginan dan mimpi mimpi Ku tercapai, dimana harus ku dapat ...?



Betul Tuhan ... aku sedang kecewa
Betul Tuhan ... aku sedang marah

Betul Tuhan ... aku memang berprasangka
Dan betul Tuhan ... aku memang curiga

Kecewa atas semua do'a yang Ku rasa tak pernah terlaksana
Marah atas kesulitan yang menimpa dan solusi tak nampak ada
Prasangka bahwa akulah satu satunya Hamba yang tak pernah ingin Kau sapa
Curiga bahwa peduli Mu untuk Ku tak lagi nyata

Aku ini sedang buta ... butuh bimbingan bijaksana ... butuh semangat ... butuh juga belaian hangat ... serta kata kata sejuk penuh manfaat ...

Tuhan ... mengapa Kau biarkan Aku tersesat? Apakah Aku tak lagi kau genggam erat? Aku butuh jawaban Tuhan ... Jangan palingkan wajah Mu dan kau tutup pintu hati Mu rapat ...

Aku mungkin hina dan laknat, tapi bukankah tiap Hamba berhak dapat kesempatan dan limpahan rahmat?

Lihat wajah Ku Tuhan .... Jamah diriku .... Berikan jawaban, jangan biarkan aku sesat.

Tuhan ... apakah aku masih kau beri Kesempatan?